Insult to Injury: a story of a pain in the Ass

I couldn't figure out which would be a better title. So, like any good academic I used both and put a colon in the middle, which is a pun in and of itself.

Anywhoo, for the past couple of weeks I have had a pain in my ass literally. I was sucking it up, hoping it would go away and then it got worse. By worse I mean a bleeding ass. Yes, I know TMI. However, I thought I had to give a back story before I got to the funny stuff.

So, I was referred to a colon and rectal surgeon. At this point, I probably should have thought this more than just hemorrhoids. However, I was hopeful that I would get some cream and a slap on my ass and be out the door.

Let me just say if you ever thought the gynecologist was bad this is way worse. They have you drop your pants to your knees. Somehow, not being all the way naked cheapens the exam to me. Then they have you kneel on a bench and lay over a table with your face down. At this point, he looks you over and starts telling you what is wrong. I thought he would at least let me roll over and pull my pants up before he gave me the bad news. Just like a man.

Anywhoo, he laundry lists like four things that are wrong with my butt, and cellulite didn't even make the cut. I thought that it would at least make an honorable mention. By item three I start hysterically laughing, while I am still face down trying to shimmy my way too tight jeans up.
I didn't now what else to do. I have a knack of making awkward situations worse. FYI, leave it to me to always have the most inappropriate reactions ever.

So, he gives me some prescriptions to help out until surgery and a coupon. How did he know I heart coupons? When I go to publix to pick up my prescription the pharmacist comes back with a box the size of a shoe box with ANALPRAM KIT written all over it. Now, I get the need to brand things, but I might be a little more brand loyal if Analpram was a little more discreet. To add insult to injury the 17 year old pharmacy tech boy with severe acne asked me if I wanted a bag. My response as i looked bug eyed down at the box "Do you even need to ask?" He blushed and quickly grabbed a bag. Now, if I can only get up enough nerve to open the box.